I’ve been with my transgender (ftm) partner for 10 years. About 4 years into the relationship he began testosterone and started the transition. I was always told by him that he doesn’t like to sleep with men mostly due to abuse as a child. A few months into the transition I was noticing different sexual behavior I never saw before and he also stopped being intimate with me in every way. I found out that he was engaged in sexting and then having sex with men from websites. He swore it was a one time thing and wasn’t comfortable telling me he sometimes likes penetration. I gave him a chance and asked if I could do it would he be satisfied. We did it one time and then he stopped being intimate with me again and now 4 years later we still don’t have sex and I catch him on sites, sexting and I believe hooking up too. I have been very patient and asked for honesty and just to be included but he only has an excuse or reason why he has to try harder. I don’t think he’s attracted to me especially when he watches tik tok videos of women dancing and I see how he flirts with anyone else but me. Says and does things he never has with me and said he doesn’t do. it’s like a person I don’t know. I’ve recently discovered that he is still in a ” relationship” online with the same ex again for the last 10 years. I can’t help but think I should walk away
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult situation. It sounds like you have been very patient and understanding with your partner, but he has not been honest or faithful to you. That must be very hurtful and confusing.
I cannot tell you what to do, but I can offer you some information and suggestions that might help you cope and decide what is best for you.
According to experts, some ways to deal with infidelity are:
- Condemn what they did, not who they are. You have the right to express your anger and disappointment, but avoid name-calling or insults that might escalate the conflict or damage your self-esteem.
- Reflect on your relationship. Try to understand why your partner cheated and what role you may have played in the relationship dynamics. This is not to blame yourself or justify their actions, but to gain some insight and clarity on what went wrong and what you need from a relationship.
- Find support. You don’t have to go through this alone. Seek help from a therapist, a support group, family, or friends who can listen and empathize with you. Avoid people who might judge you or pressure you into making a decision.
- Talk to your partner. If you are willing to give them a chance, communicate your feelings and expectations clearly. Ask them why they cheated, how they feel about it, and what they are willing to do to rebuild trust. Listen carefully and try to understand their perspective as well.
- Get tested. If your partner had unprotected sex with someone else, you should get tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) as soon as possible. This is important for your health and safety.
- Seek counseling. If you decide to stay with your partner, it might be helpful to seek professional help from a couples therapist who can guide you through the process of healing and reconciliation. A therapist can help you address the underlying issues that led to the infidelity, improve your communication skills, restore intimacy, and rebuild trust.
- Don’t think it’s your fault. No matter what problems you may have had in your relationship, cheating is never justified or acceptable. You are not responsible for your partner’s choices or actions. Don’t let them make you feel guilty or ashamed for something they did.
Ultimately, only you can decide whether to stay with your partner or walk away after infidelity. Some factors that might influence your decision are:
- The nature of the infidelity: Was it a one-time mistake or a repeated pattern? Was it emotional or physical? Was it with someone they knew well or a stranger? How long did it last? How did they hide it from you?
- The level of remorse: Does your partner show genuine regret and remorse for what they did? Do they take responsibility for their actions? Do they apologize sincerely and without excuses? Do they respect your feelings and boundaries?
- The level of commitment: Does your partner want to stay with you and work on the relationship? Are they willing to cut off contact with the other person(s) involved? Are they open and transparent about their whereabouts and activities? Are they supportive of your needs?
- The level of trust: Do you believe that your partner will not cheat on you again? Do you feel safe and secure with them? Can you forgive them without holding grudges or resentment?
- The level of love: Do you still love your partner despite what they did? Do they still love you despite how hurtful their actions were? Do both of you share common values and goals for the future?
Whatever decision you make, remember that you deserve to be treated with respect, honesty, and loyalty. You also deserve to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.
I hope this information was helpful to you. If you have any other questions or concerns, please feel free to ask me.